I made a post on this blog years ago, placing myself on the Kinsey scale. At the time, I remember thinking to myself, “Is it OK for me to write this as a straight person? I think this technically says I’m bisexual.”
Haha, about that…
Shortly before my 28th birthday, I was watching this video from Shaaba, talking about her experiences as a bisexual woman. And I couldn’t get it out of my head. Because so many things she said sounded exactly like my experiences. Minus the self-assuredness of knowing my sexuality.
I remember taking a shower a few days after watching that video and just calling myself bisexual internally for the first time. Just in my head. And it was such a strange feeling. At first I was like, that’s not my word. I’m not allowed to use that word for me. And then I was like wait, what definition do other people use for that word? Attraction to more than one gender? Their own gender and other genders? Because I’m that definition. Which means that is my word. That’s me!
I started to go back and forth on it again within a few days. But I kept landing on the word over and over again. I started watching more content about it. Realized, the definition I was applying to others was way more broad than the one I was applying to myself. Bisexuality isn’t inherently a 50/50 men and women thing. If someone told me they were a 90/10 or 10/90 bisexual, I’d believe them. I was pretty sure I was more like 80/20 or 70/30, and I was calling myself straight.
Then I learned about the bi cycle.
If you take nothing else away from this post, remember that not everyone is monosexual. Now, if you’re questioning even a little bit, extend that understanding to you. I’m not saying you’re bi, or pan, or omni, but like. You could be. After straight, it’s the 2nd most common sexuality.
I’m happily married and monogamous, so this realization has no impact on my dating life, but it’s a relief to finally admit this to myself. It’s given me permission mentally to love and accept this feature of who I am.
Why did it take so long for me to figure it out?
My parents and conservative homeschooling community growing up didn’t talk much about LGBTQIA+ people, except to say bad things. My mom refused to tell me what “gay” meant for a long time, then eventually showed me an outdated copy of the DSM that classified it as a mental illness. My mom also disregarded certain scenes in The Diary of Anne Frank as just being “young” and “exploring/experiencing wonder at women’s bodies” so when I had sexual thoughts about women I went “It’s that.”
I became an expert at explaining away what I was thinking and feeling. “I just want to look like her. She’s pretty.” Or, “I just really want to be her best friend.” Yep. Gal pals. It’s incredible to me how, because I like men, I could have sexual fantasies involving women and pretend that didn’t mean anything. Dreams about sex with women and they didn’t mean anything. Because I like men.
There are so many things that factor into a person taking a while to figure this out, so I’m working hard to forgive myself for taking this long. Did you know romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different? (Thank you to the asexual and aromantic community for giving language to this). I feel that the romantic attraction dials are turned to different intensities for men and women for me. And that’s OK!
Happy thinking!
Nancy