Dear Searcher Open Letter Series Part 1: “How Often Visitation Should Be During Courtship”

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This is the first post of what may become a series if this continues to happen. I’ve occasionally had some pretty bizarre search terms pop up on my blog stats, some of them not surprising, others somewhat frustrating. While I can’t be certain that the person who did this will see it, I think this is a topic worth exploring again on this blog, and maybe someone down the road will stumble upon it who needs to see this.

On January 6th, someone found my blog using the search term, “How Often Visitation Should Be During Courtship.” This is an open letter to that person.

Dear person who stumbled upon my blog using the search term, “How Often Visitation Should Be During Courtship,”

I’m guessing that the person searching this isn’t a kid. It’s a parent. More likely than not, the parent of a daughter, possibly a young adult daughter. Even if it is the daughter or son doing this search, show your parents this letter. They should probably read this. As someone who had friends who participated in courting culture, I have a sense of how this works. I’ve seen it happen, and I’ve also seen young women raised in some form of conservative dating culture find themselves in situations you would never wish upon your children.

I know you want what’s best for your little girl. But you need to understand something: if she is at least 18 (in the United States), your little girl is an adult now. She may not seem like one in your eyes. Maybe she relies on you for a lot of financial things. Maybe she asks you basic questions about how to balance her checkbook and other adult tasks, and that makes you think of her as seventeen, or sixteen, but never eighteen. Adults know how to do these things.They’re independent! But the economy isn’t what it used to be. Just google the minimum wage in your state and compare it to the monthly cost of renting a studio apartment.  Financial independence doesn’t define adulthood anymore. Birthdays happen regardless of where we are in life, and even though you have her best interests in mind when you try to protect her from the world, you’re kidding yourself. You can’t keep her seventeen forever. It’s like putting a plant in a pot that’s too small for it. You’re stunting her growth. If you keep waiting for her to be big enough to move on to the big backyard outside without at least moving her to a bigger pot first, you’ll find that she stays exactly the same size. In my experience, incremental raises in expectations lead to a great deal of growth in a person. Some of the childishness you perceive in her may not even be the result of immaturity on her part. It may be a reflection of your expectations of her. Maybe it’s time you re evaluated those expectations.

It’s time for her to make her own decisions. If she’s 18 and you’re still making big decisions for her, some things need to change. Yes, dating is a big decision. Yes, dating the wrong person can lead to heartbreak and pain. Yes, adding sex to the mix of that can make it more complicated. You’re right about all those things, but your approach is not making them easier for your adult child to handle. There will come a day when you aren’t around to make her life decisions. Wouldn’t it be better if she figured out how to make those choices now, with you there to offer advice and support, than later when you’re not? There will always be adult men in your adult daughter’s life, and you don’t put the same restrictions around them as you do with the man she is courting–the man who is a serious contender for marriage to her. When the repair man comes to fix her washing machine, will you insist on having a chaperon there to make sure he doesn’t try anything funny, or will you trust your daughter to hold him to the standards of a professional? When she answers the door to sign for a package delivered by UPS, will you wait with her for the package that could come any time on Tuesday or Wednesday? Will you track the package to ensure that you know when it is coming, reviewing every correspondence your daughter has with the company to ensure that it is appropriate, timing her phone calls to be sure she isn’t giving up too much of herself to her involvement with this company? I don’t think so.

So why do you plan to do it for her relationship? Down the road, when she’s in the marriage you practically arranged, you won’t be there watching to ensure that the man you approved of is a good husband. You won’t be watching their dates to be certain that he is respectful, that he doesn’t disrespect her, or harm her, or abuse her in any way. That would be invasive. That would overstep some boundaries. After all, they’d be a married couple, and it’s up to them to manage their relationship, right? Right?

How are they supposed to learn how to do that in the first place if they’re not allowed to make the small decisions couples make when they’re first going out? How is she supposed to learn what he’s like when there are no chaperons around if she never speaks to him in private? For all you know, he could be putting his best foot forward because you’re there. You won’t be there to watch them every second of their marriage. So while they’re trying to decide if they like each other enough to make that commitment, let them go out to dinner together, just the two of them. They’re in a public place anyway. As a matter of fact, a movie theater is a public space too. So is the ice rink, the bowling alley, and so are many other perfectly good places to go on a date. Let him take her to them, and let them get to know each other’s full personalities, including the thoughts they don’t share with you.

For further reading, check out this great article that the Wall Street Journal did about how parents can positively influence their children’s dating decisions for the better. Hint: it doesn’t involve making those decisions for them. If you’d like to see some personal testimonies by women who know even better than me–who’ve experienced courtship themselves and can tell you first hand how that turns out in the end–check out the Homeschoolers Anonymous posts about courtship here. Remember, this isn’t about what’s best for you, or what gives you the most control. This is about what’s best for her.

As always, if you have any thoughts about this feel free to leave a comment. All opinions are welcome. Just be respectful of others and think things through before posting.

Happy thinking!

Nancy

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Monitored Visitation: The Shackles of Courtship

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Imagine being restricted to monitored phone calls, and visitation during specified hours, with guests who must go through a detailed security screening. Sounds like prison, right? What if dating worked that way?

While this does not reflect how many people experience dating, it is the reality for some, who participate in a form of dating commonly used and promoted by the deeply religious:  courting. Courting is often defined as dating with marriage as the ultimate goal. Despite it being a fairly accepted definition in my experience, I find it to not be a very clear one. There are plenty of people who consider what they do “dating,” not “courting,” for whom marriage is still the ultimate goal. I consider myself to be one of those people. True, dating can be casual, but many people enter long-term relationships prior to marriage with the intention of finding a spouse or life partner, and those relationships should not be discounted as less serious just because those involved do not label themselves as “courting.”

Another problem I have with that definition is that it says nothing about how it differs from dating in practice, only how the two differ in intent. In my experience, the main difference in the way the two are practiced is who is in control. In dating, the people making the decisions are typically the people who are dating each other. While a dating couple may choose to involve their families by introducing each other to them and asking for their advice, that isn’t typically the be-all, end-all. Dating partners are free to make their own decisions, with or without their parents’ approval. Courtship, in my experience, is the complete opposite. In courtship, the parents of the couple (especially the girl’s parents) tend to have at at least a fifty percent say in every decision–sometimes more. It is usually the father who has the most power, as the man and head of the household. He often maintains complete veto power over any and all decisions. As one girl explains, “my parents were firmly entrenched in the values of courtship, and any potential relationship would be controlled completely by my father.” (Check out her story about rebelling against her patriarchal family here.) In courtship, the parents are with the couple every step of the way, sometimes in ways that are downright invasive, and excessive. This control is the main issue I take with the practice.

At one of my homeschooling co-ops back in high school, there was a young couple (seniors) I suspected would be getting together soon. They were always side by side at co-op, and had chemistry so thick that the air practically dripped with their excitement to be with each other. I soon discovered that they were together in a sense, however, they were expected to court. I don’t know much about their courting experience because we weren’t close, but I did hear one startling thing:  when it came to communication over distances, they were required to limit themselves to infrequent phone calls–every other week. Furthermore, each and every one of those phone calls had to be monitored by their parents. I realize this sounds bizarre. What parent tells his or her daughter “Oh, you two want to talk? You can call him next Thursday. But I have to be on the other line.” It’s ridiculous. I used to make excuses for it. They’re teenagers, I said. Their parents want what’s best for them. Maybe their parents don’t trust them to date, so they’re taking extra precautions. This kind of parental monitoring doesn’t end when children turn 18, though. In families that practice courting, this level of parental control is expected, no matter what age the children are when they begin to look for a future spouse. You may have laughed when you saw 30-year-old Toula Portokalos in the beginning of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, living with no freedom at the mercy of her father’s control, but there are real people in the United States living this antiquated life.

Fast forward four years. I’m now a senior in college, and during the fall semester, one of the student organizations I’m part of planned a mandatory, 2-day retreat for its leaders. As annoyed as I was for having to attend something at a time when I had a great deal of assignments due, I had a good time and really got to know the other members of the group. In a brief dull moment though, I did a head count, and realized someone was missing. Someone who had attended every meeting. On the way back, one of the attendees told me why. The missing student is Indian. (Meaning, she’s from India. I wish I didn’t have to explain this, but there was this idiot called Columbus.)  Her family is very strict, and as a rule, they do not permit her to spend the night anywhere other than home without her parents. No slumber parties. No retreats. Nothing. If she were under 18, I wouldn’t make a big deal about this, but she’s an adult college student with a job. Legally, she’s autonomous, but in her family, she isn’t. While this particular example isn’t overtly part of the culture of courting, I suspect that it stems from a similar source. This type of precaution, like the excessive monitoring of potential suitors, is often presented by conservative families as a way of protecting the girl’s purity–her virginity. The father ensures it by keeping his eye on her. I do not know if this is the case for her family, but a fair number of Indian families practice arranged marriage. It is still common in their culture, and I have known a young man who was nearly forced into one. Excessive parental control works well with a culture that promotes parents’ choice over the couple’s. The more I learn about courting, the more I see how it can become dangerously close to arranged marriage.

Why is courting even popular when it is so controlling? Like many things in the conservative world, the popularity of courting is largely due to a negative attitude toward pre-marital sex. It is the perfect way for parents to do their darnedest to prevent that awful deed. During my strict religious upbringing, the idea that pre-marital sex can ruin relationships was presented to me frequently. Supposedly, couples who have sex before marriage do not get to know each other as individuals, just as objects to fuck. This makes their relationships doomed to fail. Also, God doesn’t like it, therefore courting is the Godly thing to do. The important thing, as usual, is keeping people “pure.”

Maybe there’s a way to do it right, but based on what I’ve seen of it, it sucks. If anything, courting actually prevents couples from getting to know each other thoroughly enough to commit to marriage, thanks to the constant chaperoning and excessive parental involvement. The more I think about it, the more I worry about people like that aforementioned couple I knew, and the Duggar daughters of 19 Kids and Counting, who also believe in courtship rather than dating.

Because they are in the public eye, the Duggars are an excellent example of courtship that can be examined in detail. An article I found, called “The Duggars’ 7 Rules of Courtship” sums up some of their courtship rules. Much like that young couple I knew, the Duggar children are somewhat restricted to monitored correspondence. Their parents expect their text messages to each other to all come in the form of group texts that go out to the Duggar parents too. The article describes how that works, and quotes the father of the family, Jim Bob, on the subject:

“It’s neat to see their conversations,” says Jim Bob, adding that the couple texts about everything from scripture to their future as a family and ideas on parenting. For the most part, Jim Bob and Michelle don’t chime in. But occasionally they do.

I’ve seen conservative parents comment on their children’s Facebook pages, actively getting in the way of their children expressing opinions that differ from theirs. Because of that, I find it hard to believe that Jim Bob and Michelle don’t chime in much, and don’t influence the conversation much with their presence. Even if they exercise restraint and really do only comment “occasionally,” the fact that they are included in the conversation means that every text is carefully constructed; it is a performance. The daughter must uphold the image of absolute purity that the parents expect, and the man must tread carefully, choosing subjects of conversation that are fit for the dinner table. If they really do have conversations about their future and ideas on parenting, I doubt they do so using their real opinions and observations because of the possibility of offending the ever-watching Duggar parents.

What kind of relationship are they building? I was relieved that shortly after that quote, it says that the couple is permitted private phone conversations for one hour per night. That’s a step in the right direction–but only a step. How private is a phone conversation in a family with 19 kids who share bedrooms (which is the case for them)? Where does the couple go to find privacy? What if they want to have a conversation about sex? If you’re serious about marriage, you need to (at some point) have open dialogue about sex, about your expectations, hopes, fears, and to clear up any confusion you have about how it works before you–you know–start. I realize they believe in waiting until marriage, but imagine going into your wedding night having never had the chance to talk to your spouse about what’s going to happen that night? That conversation is important, and with mommy, daddy, and 18 siblings wandering around, it’s not likely to occur.

I’d complain about their “no kissing, no hand holding” rules, which I’ve always considered to be extraordinarily excessive, (I know people who set similar boundaries), but really, it’s up to the couple to decide what physical boundaries are right for them. For some people, the boundary is “no butt stuff.” For others, it’s “clothes stay on.” I’m fine with that. I’m a little concerned, though, that the parents had too much say in this decision. While I understand that the parents want their children to practice the kind of pure relationship building that their religious beliefs mandate, as I’ve stated in my post about purity pledging, it works a heck of a lot better when the couple chooses it for themselves, setting boundaries that they think are important. If a couple says “We’re not kissing before marriage” because their parents want them to, but that doesn’t fit what they want as a couple (or as individuals), they’re probably going to end up kissing before marriage. I say this as someone who practiced “purity” because my parents believed kissing should be the furthest one goes before marriage, and watched my line get redrawn further and further and further until finally I literally said “fuck it,” and did just that. I wasn’t making a purity pledge for myself. I was making it for them, for my religion, and for the people around me who said it was the right thing to do. As those reasons melted away, so did my sexual boundaries. I’m not the only one who’s experienced this phenomenon either. It’s an 8-part story, but this girl promised she wouldn’t kiss before marriage as part of her courting experience, and in short, that’s not what happened.

Ultimately, in any form of romantic relationship building, the actual members of the relationship are the important ones. They need to form a bond with each other. They need to find common ground. They need to understand and appreciate their differences. They need to learn how to talk about subjects they wouldn’t discuss in front of their parents, because those subjects will all become part of their lives if they get married. I’m completely fine with “dating with marriage as the ultimate goal.” What I’m not fine with, is two adults dating under the constant watch of daddy and mommy, with daddy getting the final say in any and all decisions. An adult should be able to have a private conversation with his or her significant other without their parents’ knowledge or permission. An adult should be able to make his or her own decisions.

Happy thinking!

-Nancy